I’m going through a hard time in my life. And thought that a blog might be a good way to release some of my emotions. I’ve had a hard life suffering through depression. This will permeate the blog. So, here we go!

A quick summary of my fight with depression:

I have been depressed all of my life and am currently trying different medications to try to alleviate my condition. In the winter of 2010, I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on lexapro after initial adverse effects from cymbalta. I felt better and better until about august 2011. By October, I contacted my shrink to adjust my medication I reacted poorly to the alternative treatments and wanted to come off the lexapro. Finally after a few supplemental medications she had prescribed failed, I got my wish. I just switched off lexapro and onto viibryd with terrible results. I felt absolutely terrible for 2 weeks, suffering from brain zaps. Really, considering the length of time I’ve been really depressed I’m surprised I’m still here. That was about 3 weeks ago and for the past week I’ve been experiencing extreme mood swings. With deep lows to feeling okay.

My Job:

I’m pretty happy with my job. They don’t pay me but, I have the potential to make a lot of money down the line and I’m actually interested in what I do. Currently I am writing, essentially myself a CME trading platform for use with high frequency trading strategies. And when more capital is released I will begin using TT to trade and get a percentage of what I make. I wish this would happen sooner, but I think I can write some pretty fast arbitrage trading software in the mean time. I like programming.

Today:

Occasionally, I get interview requests from having my resume posted on the internet despite having my profiles marked as employed. Usually, I just ignore them, but one came from a staffing agency associated with UBS and I was curious. I responded and he next day they brought me in for an interview. It was obvious I was way overqualified for the job. I don’t have a particularly strong personality nor am I much of a leader but by the end of the interview I was the clear leader of the discussion. Everyone was nice, I tried to be nice and I feigned interest in the position which I now feel bad about. I was just curious and felt they would be upset for wasting their time if I said I was uninterested. Instead, I wasted a bunch of people’s time as well as mine. I didn’t get a job offer either as they sensed my disinterest with the job and my high aspirations. 

Of course, I haven’t heard back from the staffing agency so I don’t know why they didn’t hire me. Maybe the other candidates were more qualified. I guess the reason I think I’m right about why they didn’t hire me comes from my belief that I interview better than one would expect from my resume and it was clearly a relatively entry-level job. 

It made me really sad that they rejected me. It really shouldn’t have given what I think happened. I am very different than most people. And perceive things differently. And I believe more in line with reality. However, until time proves me right or wrong people seem to be against me.